COPING WITH GRIEF

COPING WITH GRIEF

BY Swami Avdhutananda
Ex Acharya, Chinmaya Mission-Sikkim

Nobody born in this world is immuned from negative experiences—failures, sorrows, miseries, old age, disease and death. From poorna avataar to the most lowly one, everyone has to go through some or the other negative experiences.

The entire existence sustains on the pairs of opposites. Actually the so called pairs of opposites such as: joys and sorrows, birth and death, success and failures, positive and negative, creation and destruction etc. are like the two inseparable sides of the same coin or the two polar ends of the same battery cell. It cannot function in isolation. Can a battery cell function with just a polar end either positive or negative? No! It needs both the diametrically opposite ends to function. So also there cannot be birth without death, pleasure without pain, joys without sorrows etc. They follow each other. If we chose one, the other will automatically follow. There is no way it can be prevented. The entire creation is a play of these pairs of opposites. Birth is followed by death and then again death is followed by birth. Had there been only births and no deaths, there would not have been enough space to even stand on our toes on this planet. Lord Krshna says, “These pairs of opposites come and go, forbear them O Arjuna”. We cannot attain eternal, infinite bliss unless we transcend these pairs of opposites.

Death is a subject which is of the deepest interest to everyone. One day or the other all must die. All are terribly afraid of death. No one wants to die. The terror of death overshadows the lives of all human beings. Most people are so afraid to die that, from their efforts to avoid death, they never live. Even intellectual people who have grasped the idea that the Self is immortal and is distinct from the body are also overwhelmingly scared of death. We may read the whole of Yoga Vashishtha / Bhagavad Geetaa / Vedaanta etc. but if an accident takes place in our family, we are bound to feel it, because the scriptural readings have not brought about a fundamental transformation in the realm of awareness. It has only enlarged the scope of our intellect. At the most we may say, ‘Oh, life is temporary’, but still we will be struck with the disaster. It brings unnecessary sorrow, suffering and anxiety to the survivors who are anxious to know about death, the life, if any, after death and the fate of the departed individuals.

Death is the price we pay for the gift of the body. Once we have the body, death is inevitable. But death is not for us. It is for the body and it starts from the moment, the body comes into manifestation. Therefore celebrating birth is ignorance; celebrating death is understanding. The moment a person is “born”, he starts his journey towards “death” from the very next moment and on the day of his “death” he completes his journey. Every completion of a journey needs to be celebrated and not mourned, since it indicates progress.

We don't cry because of emotions, but because of confusion, ignorance and a non-acceptance of facts. Crying does not alter the fact that the dead have gone and the dying do not require our tears. If we ourselves are dying, then too crying is useless. Why then, this sorrow? Sorrow is born of confusion (aviveka). What is subject to change will change. Why then sit and say, “They are changing. They are changing. Changing is changing.” Everything changes except the law of change.

The Padma Puraana (one of the texts of Sanaatana Dharma) says that the fate of five things in one's life is already decided at the time of one's conception in the womb—education, one's occupation, the aggregate wealth one will acquire, lifespan, and when, where and how one’s body will drop or disintegrate, or in more common parlance “die”. Happenings associated with these five are preordained and will come to pass, no matter what, and can be termed one's destiny. One's character, molded by one's samskara-s, will then make one act in such a manner that events play out as destined.

All of us come in each other’s contact due to karma bandhana—debts from the past life. We come in contact with each other as relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues, teachers etc. Debts may be financial, material, that of service (sevaa), emotional, that of knowledge or that of being a guide or being guided on the spiritual path. We need to clear our debts to the best of our abilities so that we are relieved of the karma bandhana. While we are clearing our debts brought forward from past several lives, we tend to get attached to things and beings and end up making the existing karma bandhana-s even stronger as well as forge new karma bandhana-s.

The biggest cause of all our problems in life is our desires and our attachment to things and beings that are essentially impermanent. Attachment is such a funny thing that the very thing that we are attached to becomes the cause of our extreme sorrows and miseries—be it close family members, property, money etc. Even though we are fully aware that death will eventually take away everything from us we still continue to cling to things and beings and therefore suffer.

One is said to be born when the subtle body, that is a bunch of samskaara-s and vaasanaa-s (impressions and tendencies) enters the gross body and begins functioning. When it packs up and departs, it is one’s death. Hence the phrase ‘dead and gone’. It thereafter goes to another body, depending on its past vaasanaa-s. This process of unpacking, packing up and transfer is known as birth, death and transmigration. The gross body appears sentient when in association with the subtle body and insentient when it disassociates. The gross body lasts until it finishes its full quota of experiences that it has to undergo. Some may have a smaller quota of experiences for this life and therefore, have a shorter life span, while others may have a bigger quota of experiences, and therefore have a longer life span.

We suffer because we want our beloved ones and ourselves to be immortal in the mortal body. It is like someone seeking a permanent job in a temporary department. One can never be immortal in an ever-perishing body. We go through great grief, sorrow and depression simply because we refuse to come to terms with this simple fact.

HAVE THE COURAGE TO CHANGE WHAT YOU CAN, SERENITY TO ACCEPT WHAT YOU CANNOT CHANGE AND THE WISDOM TO KNOW THE DIFFERENCE. COMMON SENSE IN AN UNCOMMON DEGREE IS WISDOM.

The Self (aatmaa) is unborn and immortal. It is of the nature of Existence-Consciousness-Bliss. It lends sentiency to all inert matter. The subtle body too does not die. It continues its journey in another body. Hence, neither should be mourned upon death. The gross body is inert and ever perishing. Even during our lifetime, our body cells are constantly being replaced by new ones. Every moment 15 million cells die and 15 million cells are born. We gain a totally new body every seven years. One cannot, therefore, mourn over an already perishing body. Mourning is something where an already perished body is wept upon by one or more continuously perishing bodies!! Like green leaves mourning over a fallen leaf, where leaves keep falling off the tree all the time. The embodied never dies. Mourning is like weeping for someone over the dress discarded by him. The one who has discarded the dress is now wearing a new dress, which we are unable to recognize. Knowing this, we should remove all false notions of grief from our minds about disease, decay and death.

The dead are free from bondage. Mourning is the chain forged by the mind to bind itself to the dead.

When we are consumed with remorse over the dead past and with sorrow concerning the unborn future, let us visualize Shri Krshna saying to us, “You are worrying unnecessarily”.

When an event is past, do not nurse its memory. Cremate it and forget it. Otherwise it will decompose in the mind and stink.

We can overcome pain and sorrow, if we know the meaning of sorrow, pain, suffering and death. Death is the most common phenomenon in nature and yet the least understood fact. The phenomenon of death sets the human mind to think deeply. Man does not want to die. He wants to live forever. This is the starting point of philosophy. All philosophy springs from the phenomenon of death. Philosophy, in fact, is the study of death. The highest philosophy in India starts with the subject of death. Scriptural texts such as Bhagavad Geetaa, Chhaandogya Upanishad and Kathopanishad deal, especially, with the subject of death. It is one of the most difficult problems of philosophy, because there is no direct evidence usually available as to what really happens in and after death. Death is a call to reflect and to seek the goal of the Absolute Truth, the eternal, pure Self. Philosophy enquires and investigates the phenomenon of death, which is referred in the scriptures as the ‘Principle of Change’.
The enlightened Masters clearly describe their experiences at ‘death’ and state that they are relieved of a great burden of this physical body along with its aches, pains and afflictions, and that they enjoy perfect composure at the time of separation from the physical body. Similar is the description of those who have gone through ‘near death experiences’ (NDE).

The question is who should mourn whom? Lord Krshna calls this body as “dukkhaayatana”—a counter or an abode where pain and sorrow is experienced. At death one gets rid of this “dukkhaayatana” and along with it its aches, pain and afflictions. Should we mourn for such a one or should such a one mourn for those who are still saddled with their “dukkhaayatana” along with its aches and afflictions?

Knowledge of this science will rob death of all its terror and sorrow and enable us to see it in the proper light and to understand its place in the scheme of our evolution. It will certainly inspire us to find out suitable methods to conquer death and attain immortality. It will urge us to take to the study of Brahma-Vidyaa in right earnest. We have suffered very much simply out of ignorance and superstition concerning this most important matter. With the right knowledge the veil of ignorance will be removed. We will be freed from the horrors of death.

Death is separation of the jeeva (finite ego, finite self or individual self) from the physical body. Death becomes the starting point of a new and better life. Death merely opens the door to a higher form of life; it is only the gateway to a fuller life.

Birth and death are two illusory scenes in the drama of our life and that of this world, projected by the jugglery of maayaa (divine Hypnosis). He who is born begins to die. He who dies begins to live. Life is death and death is life. Birth and death are merely doors of entry and exit on the stage of this world.

Just as we move from one house to another house, the jeeva passes from one body to another to gain experience. Just as a man casting off worn-out garments takes new ones, so the dweller in this body, casting off worn-out bodies, when it becomes unfit for further activities and use, enters into others that are new. Death is only a change of form. All change is only change of environment and embodiment. In scriptural language death is called the law of change. Death is only separation of astral body from the physical body.

Death is not the end of life. Life is one continuous never-ending process. Death is only a passing and necessary phenomenon, which every jeeva has to pass to gain experience for its further evolution. Jeeva continuously gets purged and perfected in order to attain the final bliss. This takes place through myriads of births.

Death is like sleep. Birth is like waking up. Birth follows death just as waking follows sleep. Death brings promotion to a new and better life. One will again resume the work that was left off in one’s previous life. Therefore, there is no reason to be afraid of death. A man of discrimination and wisdom is not afraid of death. He knows that death is the gateway to life.

Infinite, Pure Self is a circle without a circumference, where every point in the infinity is the centre. There is no difference between the individual self and the Infinite Self, except ignorance. This individual self is also a circle without a circumference, but its centre appears to be in the body. Death for the individual self means the change of this centre from body to body. Why, then, should we be afraid of death and even mourn death?

Man is ever in the jaws of death—right from the birth of the body he proceeds every moment towards its death. Death overtakes him suddenly when he is least prepared for it. He thinks that he will escape death or even if he believes in death to be certain he expects it only at a very distant date.

The game of birth and death takes place every second in our body. About 15 million blood cells are produced and destroyed in the human body every second. Every minute, 40,000 dead skin cells fall from our body. Seventy percent of the dust in our homes consists of shed human skin. There are more living organisms on the skin of one human being than there are human beings on earth.

The jeeva moves between this and the next world as between waking and the dream states. It moves from birth to death and again birth. The body lasts until all the praarabdha karma-s (fructified karma-s or destiny) have been exhausted by experiencing it. Some people’s praarabdha karma-s take a long time to exhaust, so they drop the body in the ripe old age. Others may have limited praarabdha karma-s to exhaust so they may drop their body in middle age or prime of youth or even in childhood or infancy. While in birth it associates itself with the physical body, in death it dissociates with them. The self that is identified with the subtle body completely detaches himself from the body. Just as he detaches himself from the gross body and enters deep sleep, similarly he detaches himself from this body during death and attaches himself to another. As frequently as man moves from the dreaming to the waking, from the waking to the dream and then to deep sleep, so also, as frequently he transmigrates from one body to another. He has transmigrated from many such bodies in the past and will continue to do so in the future as well.

Death is not the end of life. It is merely cessation of an important individuality. Life flows on to achieve its conquest of the universal; life flows on till it merges in the eternal.

Lord Krshna speaks about rebirth several times in Bhagavad Geeta. For example in ch. 2 v. 12: “na tvevaaham jaatu naasam na tvam neme janaadhipaah / na chaiva na bhavishyaamah sarve vayamatah param” (“It is not that at any time (in the past) indeed, was I not, nor were you, nor these rulers of men. Nor, verily, shall we ever cease to be hereafter”). Ch. 4, v. 5: “bahuni may vyatitaani janmaani tava chaarjuna / taanyaham veda sarvaani na tvam vettha parantapa” (“Many “births” of Mine have passed as well as yours, O Arjuna; I know them all but you know them not, O Parantapa [scorcher of foes]”).
Bhagavad Geetaa, ch. 2, v. 13: “dehino ’smin yathaa dayhay kaumaaram yauvanam jaraa / tathaa dehaantara-praaptih dhiras tatra na muhyati” (“Just as in this body the embodied (ego / soul) passes into childhood, youth and old age, so also does he pass into another body; the firm man does not grieve at it”). We do not mourn at the death of childhood following which alone can we come to experience youth; we are confident in our knowledge that by entering the age of youth, though the childhood has ended, there is a continuity of the existence of the one in the child into the one in the youth. So too, at the moment of death, there is no extinction of the individual, but the embodied ego of the dead body leaves its previous structure and, according to the vaasanaa-s (impressions or tendencies) that it had developed during its embodiment, gets itself identified with a physical equipment where it can express itself completely and seek its perfect fulfillment.

Bhagavad Geetaa, ch. 2 v. 22: “vaasaansi jirnaani yathaa vihaaya navaani grhnaati naro paraani / tathaa sharirani vihaaya jirnaani anyaani sanyaati navaani dehi” (“Just as a man casts off his worn-out clothes and puts on new ones, so also the embodied Self casts of its worn-out bodies and enters others which are new.”).

According to the concept of natural causation, nothing is unconditioned; the existence of everything depends on some conditions. Therefore there must be something because of which our forms come into existence. Despair, grief, old-age, disease, death etc. are
there because there is birth. If a man were not born he would not have been subject to these miserable states. Birth also has its condition. It is the will to become, the force of the blind tendency or predisposition to be born, which causes our birth. But what is the cause of this tendency? Our mental clinging to or grasping the objects of the world is the condition responsible for our desire to be born. This clinging again is due to our thirst or craving to enjoy objects and beings.

From where does this desire originate? We would not have any desire for objects had we not tasted or experienced them before. Previous sense-experience, tinged with some pleasant feelings, is therefore the cause of our craving. But sense-experience could not arise but for contact of sense organs with objects. This contact would not arise had there not been the six organs of cognition—the 5 senses and the mind. These six again depend for their existence on the mind-body organism, which constitutes the perceptible being of man. But this organism could not develop in the mother's womb and come into existence if it were dead or devoid of consciousness. The consciousness that descends into the embryo in the mother's womb is only the effect of the impressions (samskaara / vaasanaa) of our past existence. The last state of the past life, contains in a concentrated manner the impressions or effects of all our past deeds. The impressions that cause rebirth are due to ignorance about Truth. If the transitory, painful nature of the worldly existence was comprehended and the Pure Self perfectly realized, there would not arise in us any karma resulting in rebirth. Ignorance of our True nature or Real Self, therefore, is the root cause of impressions or tendencies that cause rebirth.

Briefly speaking, suffering in life is due to birth, which is due to the will to be born, which is due to our mental clinging to objects. Clinging is due to desire for objects. This is due to sense-experience, which is due to sense object contact, which is again due to the six organs of cognition. These organs dependent on the embryonic organism (body-mind-intellect) could not develop without some initial consciousness, which hails from the impressions of the experience of past life, which lastly are due to ignorance of Absolute Truth.

Thus we have 12 links in the chain of causation.

According to Vedaanta, birth, death and rebirth are apparent only from the standpoint of the finite ego, which is strongly identified with the constantly composing, decomposing and recomposing gross body and is therefore subject to transmigration. No one has ever experienced his own non-existence. We have memories of only those events and experiences that have actually occurred. No one has any memory about one’s own birth or death simply because they have never occurred as far as the Real Self is concerned. Hence from the standpoint of the ever-existent Pure Self, which is our real nature, there is no birth and therefore no death and obviously the question of rebirth doesn’t arise. In fact, finite ego identified with the gross body is a superimposition on the Pure Self and this finite ego alone appears to transmigrate from one body to another.
On this subject Lord Krshna says in Bhagavad Geeta, ch. 2, v. 20: “na jaayatay mriyatay vaa kadaachid naayam bhutvaa bhavitaa vaa na bhooyah / ajo nityah shaavato yam puraano na hanyatay hanyamaanay shareeray /” (“He is not born, nor does He ever die; after having been, He again ceases not to be; Unborn, Eternal, Changeless and Ancient, He is not killed when the body is killed”).

We cannot die, because we were never born. We are the beginningless and eternal Self. Birth, death and rebirth are false scenes in the unreal drama of maayaa. They concern the gross, inert physical body only, an entity with apparent or relative reality, formed by the combination of the five elements. The ideas of birth, death and rebirth are mere illusion, a product of ignorance.

No one has the experience of his non-existence. No one can say ‘I do not exist’. Everybody feels ‘I exist’, ‘I am’. This itself proves the existence of an eternal, Supreme Self. In deep sleep we rest in Pure Self. There is no world for us. We enjoy pure bliss. This proves that the absolute, non-dual Self exists and its essential nature is pure bliss. Since our essential nature is that of Pure existence, knowledge and bliss, the notions of death, deception and dejection are unacceptable to us as they are unnatural to our real being.

Once a Master said, “Nobody is dead; men feign themselves dead and endure mock funerals and there they stand looking out of the windows hale and hearty in some new and strange disguise.”

Insecurity is the basic fact of life and we must recognize it. We must come to terms with the uncertain nature of our existence. Spirituality teaches us not to identify with the external, not to try to anchor ourselves in the things we own, nor in other people. The inner loneliness can only be transmuted by the experience of the eternal and unshakable within ourselves and spirituality provides us with the practical means to foster that experience.

That which death can snatch from us is not important. Money then is useful but not important; so also power, prestige, relatives etc. That which death can never snatch from us is important.

Losses do occur in life, but it is not what life takes away from us that count. It's what we make of what is left with us.

Life is neither lived in the tomb of the dead moments of the past nor in the womb of the unborn moments of the future. Life is not a continuous procession of past regrets and future anxieties. Life is lived in the dynamic present. The present moment is all that we have at our disposal. These living, dynamic present moments are the only fields to be hammered at, wherein are all the glories of life, all the gains in existence.

Constructive thought is the first step to contemplation and eventual cessation of divisible thinking. It is made possible only when the inner awareness is freed from past (which exists but as memory) and future (which exists but as worry, a mixture of fear and hope). Only the present is. It is a present from God.

May He grant you the strength, courage and UNDERSTANDING to face the facts and overcome the grief.